22 Jan 17

On being pregnant – #mytruth

21 weeks pregnant in Ubud
Me, 21 weeks pregnant, on our babymoon in Ubud, Bali

That photo was back taken in November, when my belly was still looking decent for a photo. I’m 29 weeks now and boy has it changed. I wouldn’t want to have a photo taken of it, from the front. Let’s just say, I didn’t know my belly button could look this weird.

I’ve been thinking about writing this post – about my struggles with this pregnancy – for some time now. And certain factors put me off because a) everyone’s pregnancy is different b) when it’s different that’s when people disagree c) I’ve seen a lot of disagreements on my pregnancy app’s forum and it gets ugly. On the flip side, I’ve read some really intimate blog posts by women I don’t know, where they shared truths that I felt, must have been hard to admit. And I wanted to add my voice to that.

I do want to point out that this isn’t about struggles with conceiving, or having any health issues. I’m thankful for having a smooth-sailing journey so far in that context. On some scale, what I’m gonna share seems so trivial then. I’ve tried to brush it off as trivial too. Yet, I can’t seem to brush it off no matter the number of weeks that has passed. And upon entering my third trimester, the feelings are stronger than ever. I talked a bit about how my body has changed at the start of this post and that has been eating away at me. I don’t know why I’m having such a hard time with this, to be really honest. But I am and I can’t seem to escape it. I cringe at every photo I see of myself, when my husband wants a photo for posterity, I scream NO!. I even want to ban photo-taking this Chinese New Year if possible. This is coming from someone who never cared about how silly/fat-face/bad angle I looked in photos in the past.

It’s like my perception of myself has changed, for the worse. I don’t know. My husband is very nice to remind me my body has only grown in places that should be growing. I’m gaining weight at a healthy pace. I workout thrice a week. But the person I see in the mirror, she makes me feel sad.

There are days I find it in me to say fuck it, I don’t care. I don’t care about this rash that’s mapped out its colonies on my belly. But if you prodded a bit more, I’d start tearing. I’d tell you I hate everything about being pregnant.

Maybe I didn’t mentally prep myself enough? Maybe I thought being pregnant meant being yourself with a big belly. I say that I miss my old self from time to time. So maybe all these feelings stem from that… I’m not my old self anymore but I’m still looking for her.

It’s been hard, I’ve cried many many times. I’ve talked to friends about it. I’ve cried to my husband about it. But I know that this is mine to deal with. Or mine to live out. A few more months to go! Thus far, I’ve only come across one lady sharing that she didn’t enjoy pregnancy one bit without padding it with a “but it was all worth it in the end”. I appreciated her honesty so much. It’s too early to say as I haven’t held my baby in my arms, however, if that feeling overcomes me, it would be really nice. As of now, I’m struggling every day, I hate it and I can’t wait for it to be over.

Just in case anyone confuses this with me not loving my baby, I don’t view my pregnancy in relation to the baby. The pregnancy is mine. The baby is the baby. Yknow what I’m saying?

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Comments (10)

10 responses to “On being pregnant – #mytruth”

  1. Allison says:

    Oh Melly, I’m sending you so much love! I can’t even imagine how difficult it must be. I fear pregnancy a lot, to be honest! I just talked to a friend recently who said her pregnancy was a major struggle for her. She said she had always thought she would have 2 kids but now she is happy with one because she doesn’t want to go through that again. You’re definitely not the first and you’re not alone! I think it’s probably hard for people to talk about because they are worried people will take it to mean that they don’t want their baby, but you’re right that they are two different things. Wish I could give you a big bouquet of flowers and a hug. Hang in there!

  2. Melly says:

    Allison, thanks for sharing that with me! It’s so nice to reconnect – on a blog! I’m kinda in the same boat, Ben wishes to have 2 kids too but ahhh, it’s just too much to do it again. This is the one time in my life, I really cherish knowing I’m not alone. I do want to say though, if and when you do decide to get pregnant, just know that you can survive it! No matter how trying. One day at a time is my mantra.

    Imma gladly take your virtual hug <3 and yes, gonna hang in there! I can do this!

  3. Diana says:

    Melly, congratulations on your pregnancy! Hormones are amazing and frustrating and our bodies are unpredictable. Pregnancy and baby ARE two different things and it’s okay to feel different about each one. Sending lots of love!

  4. Kelley says:

    Hi Melly. I have two children and completely understand where you’re coming from. It can be very hard to watch your body change so much over such a relatively short period of time. Especially toward the end of my pregnancies, I had a hard time too, dealing with my body. I used to gasp when I walked in front of mirrors because it wasn’t how I imagined myself. I also really feared that my body would be completely different after the babies were born. I didn’t love being pregnant, but I really love being a parent (the vast majority of the time:) I guess what I’m trying to say is you’re not alone and its okay to feel how you feel.

  5. denise says:

    Hi Melly!!! First off Congratulations!! Excited to see you and ben’s beautiful offspring haha. Secondly, hang in there! I’ve read up so much on pregnancy stuff too (just getting prepared) and you’re definitely not alone in thinking this way! My sister in law haaaated being pregnant and now she has two! Hope everything goes smoothly from now til the end and sending you tons of bear hugs from Shanghai 😀

  6. Melly says:

    Diana: Thank you! I do wonder if hormones are at play here, I don’t quite feel emotional/sensitive on the whole but considering how I’m reacting a bit differently from my pre-preggo self – it might be quietly doing its thang. Sending lots of love to you, Miko & Scott too!

    Kelley: I’m thankful for you ladies, sharing a little with me so I get a wider perspective on this journey. When you said how you gasped in front of mirrors – girl, that’s how I feel 100%! Yay on being a loving parent to two kiddos, I’m looking forward to the next stage!

    Denise: Planning in the works :)))) woohoo! I’m glad I wrote about this cos getting to hear back from you ladies, it’s been helpful! Thank you for that. I love me some bear hugs! <3

  7. dk says:

    Hey.. I think its very courageous of you to talk about how you are feeling. 🙂 I wished i could say i understand how you feel but I haven’t had a child before. Though I can imagine the changes you’d have to go through physically… Counting down with u to the end of pregnancy! Hugs* 🙂

  8. Melly says:

    dk: I’m 31 weeks now so the end feels near and I’m finally feeling like ‘hanging in there’ is realistically possible 😀 Thanks so much for the support!

  9. wl says:

    dear melly, big hugs. I hope you will be able to find your old self soon and then look back at everything one day with bittersweet fondness. I’ve had a great pregnancy but am currently struggling with motherhood/loss of identity. I too wonder if I haven’t mentally prepped myself enough for this journey and am so tired of everyone telling me “it would all be worth it in the end”. sending you good vibes for the final stretch !

  10. Melly says:

    Big hugs right back, WL. I do feel like I might never find my way back to my old self, but not in a sad way… More like learning to accept my new self? I kinda understand the loss of identity even though I’m not at that stage yet. I really appreciate it when someone reminds me to not be so hard on myself so I’m gonna say that to you too. Slowly take the time to figure who this new person in this new role is, that’s what I’d do. Although I know, easier said than done heh. We’re all here for each other! There are no wrongs, just lots of figuring out. I’m gonna be a mess when the baby arrives, I just know it hahaha. But I’m gonna try my best and have fun with him and my husband. *Fingers crossed* Thank you for your good vibes, I need it! You’re gonna be okay, struggling is normal and it should be deemed a positive word. Cos damn if we are not trying! 😀

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